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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, 'kerplop', right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?' 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?' The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a POLITICIAN' |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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One day this blonde gal decides that she wants her very own genuine pair of alligator boots. She takes a drive out towards the Everglades and stops at a country gun shop for some advice and a weapon.
After hearing what she wants to do, the shop owner outfits her with a long gun and some ammo and directs her down the road to some canals where he sees a lot of big gators. A couple hours later he closes down the shop and out of curiosity drives down to where he thinks the blonde may be hunting. Not expecting much, he pulls up and sees the blonde taking aim at big gator coming towards her down the canal and is shocked to see 3 gators over 8 feet long lying on the bank behind her. The blonde shoots the gator dead , wades out to the carcass and drags it back to the bank. She quickly flips it over and exclaims, "Not again!! This one is barefoot, too!!!" |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?" |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin right beside his Acorn button) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your [beeep] year-round. I had to walk back to the dealership... [beeep] guy had no sense of humor. |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice." |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years............................... -
It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault. |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that." |
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hunterwingler
Optics Master Joined: April/03/2009 Location: Idaho Status: Offline Points: 1420 |
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It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I will not open the damn store!" |
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I wasn't upset about the black cat crossing my path this morning but mouthing "your fu@#ed" as he passed was just rude.
If Guns kill people mine are all defective |
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hunterwingler
Optics Master Joined: April/03/2009 Location: Idaho Status: Offline Points: 1420 |
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Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." |
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I wasn't upset about the black cat crossing my path this morning but mouthing "your fu@#ed" as he passed was just rude.
If Guns kill people mine are all defective |
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hunterwingler
Optics Master Joined: April/03/2009 Location: Idaho Status: Offline Points: 1420 |
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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?" |
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I wasn't upset about the black cat crossing my path this morning but mouthing "your fu@#ed" as he passed was just rude.
If Guns kill people mine are all defective |
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hunterwingler
Optics Master Joined: April/03/2009 Location: Idaho Status: Offline Points: 1420 |
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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say |
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I wasn't upset about the black cat crossing my path this morning but mouthing "your fu@#ed" as he passed was just rude.
If Guns kill people mine are all defective |
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hunterwingler
Optics Master Joined: April/03/2009 Location: Idaho Status: Offline Points: 1420 |
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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." |
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I wasn't upset about the black cat crossing my path this morning but mouthing "your fu@#ed" as he passed was just rude.
If Guns kill people mine are all defective |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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Lay Off Letter From Management-
Dear Employees:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic. |
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Urimaginaryfrnd
MODERATOR Resident Redneck Joined: June/20/2005 Location: Iowa Status: Offline Points: 14964 |
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At a hundred yards do you know how to tell the difference between a defense attorney and a prosecuting attorney? The prosecuting attorney will be the one with his hands in his own pockets.
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"Always do the right thing, just because it is the right thing to do". Bobby Paul Doherty Texas Ranger |
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hunterwingler
Optics Master Joined: April/03/2009 Location: Idaho Status: Offline Points: 1420 |
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I wasn't upset about the black cat crossing my path this morning but mouthing "your fu@#ed" as he passed was just rude.
If Guns kill people mine are all defective |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Walter?" "I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?" Actually, I have 6 questions. First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Walter ?" |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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A doctor was addressing a large audience.
"Red meat is bad for you," he told the audience. "Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. "Chinese food is loaded with MSG. "High fat diets are disastrous. "No one knows the long-term effect of germs in our drinking water," said the doctor. "But one food is the most dangerous of all and I bet every one of you has eaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most grief? An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked, "Is it wedding cake?" |
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stickbow46
Optics Master Extraordinaire Joined: January/07/2009 Location: Benton, Pa Status: Offline Points: 4678 |
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Wedding Cake
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Pearls of Wisdom are Heard not Spoken
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg , So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will Cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg , you will be just right As A pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. ACME COSTUME COMPANY The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the Company Another nasty letter of complaint.. The next day he gets a small Parcel And a note, which reads: Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST .. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour The molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple . Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. |
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