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Chief Sackscratch

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/12/2011 at 15:51
The Five-Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull [beeep] might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of dung is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep dung, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Urimaginaryfrnd Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/12/2011 at 21:38

"Always do the right thing, just because it is the right thing to do".
Bobby Paul Doherty
Texas Ranger
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 3_tens Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/13/2011 at 19:10
PERFECT EYESIGHT



Arthur is 81 years old. He's played golf every day since his
retirement 16 years ago. One day he arrives home
looking downcast.


"That's it" he tells his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has
got so bad. Once I've hit the ball I can't
see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.

As they sit down, she makes a suggestion: "Why don't you take my
brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 93 years old. He
can't help."

"He may be a ninety three" says the wife "but his eyesight is
perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect
eyesight."


"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

 
 


"Can't remember."

Folks ain't got a sense of humor no more. They don't laugh they just get sore.

Need to follow the rules. Just hard to determine which set of rules to follow
Now the rules have changed again.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MMAShooter34 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/15/2011 at 15:38
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
come home carrying your shield or come home on it.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MMAShooter34 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/15/2011 at 15:38
Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

come home carrying your shield or come home on it.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MMAShooter34 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/15/2011 at 15:39
A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
come home carrying your shield or come home on it.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Alan Robertson Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/18/2011 at 11:22
When I lived in Stillwater, home of the Oklahoma State Cowboys, there was a fine fellow in town who had a brass plaque on his front door proclaiming him as an alumnus of Texas A&M. It also had a line which read:

                     "NO AGGIE JOAKES".

(a true story)

"Garg'n uair dhuisgear"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote helo18 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/18/2011 at 23:07
Get Your Popcorn Ready
To be prepared for War is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/19/2011 at 09:35
One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
The little girl was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a
gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and
lots of praise for such yummy tea, Gramma came home.
Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough,
here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him
drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you
That the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/19/2011 at 09:35
A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Liberal democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/19/2011 at 09:38
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office..

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet..'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet...

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/19/2011 at 09:38
How to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gif When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's [beeep] near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/20/2011 at 11:14
 PEARLS OF WISDOM TO REMEMBER
1 Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than it is on a bicycle.
2 Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name and face.
3 Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4 Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5 Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/20/2011 at 11:16
So a rabbi, a Hindu, and a Lawyer are driving out in the country. They get lost, and as they keep driving, they just get more and more lost. Finally, after night has fallen, they spot a farmhouse. Not wanting to sleep in the car, they drive up to the farmhouse and ask the farmer if they can spend the night.

The farmer says that they can, but that because he only has two spare beds, someone will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says “I am a humble man, I will sleep in the barn.” So off he goes.

A few minutes later there is a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu. He says, “There is a cow in the barn. I am sorry, but it is against my religion to consort with cows, so I cannot sleep in the barn.”

So the rabbi says: “Zat iss OK. I am a humble man, so I vill sleep in ze barn.” And off he goes to the barn.

A few minutes later there is a knock on the door. It’s the rabbi. He says, “Zere iss a pig in ze barn. I am sorry, but it iss against my religion to consort vith pigs, so I cannot sleep in ze barn.”

So the Lawyer says, “Well, crap. I’m not a humble man, and I shouldn’t have to sleep in a barn, but I don’t have any choice, so dammit, I’ll sleep in the barn.” And off he goes to the barn.


A few minutes later there is a knock on the door. It’s the pig and the cow.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/20/2011 at 11:17
I know times are tough when -
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Luise Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/21/2011 at 03:19


                        


                      Teacher asked how to sell a book student said a girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

Cricket Sucks!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hunterwingler Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/26/2011 at 19:09
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I f**ked a few days ago...

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!


I wasn't upset about the black cat crossing my path this morning but mouthing "your fu@#ed" as he passed was just rude.

If Guns kill people mine are all defective
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/28/2011 at 08:16
One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to See George Washington standing by him. Barack asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, Then fades away.


The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson Moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barack isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving In the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.
Abe replies: "Go see a play".
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Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/28/2011 at 08:17
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas mowing his front lawn. A lady driving by in a big shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"


Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."


The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"


Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."
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Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/12/2011 at 14:32
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver.
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