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mike650
Optics God Joined: May/14/2006 Location: West of Rockies Status: Offline Points: 14569 |
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“A hunt based only on trophies taken falls far short of what the ultimate goal should be.” – Fred Bear
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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She spent the first day packing her belongings into
boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into Each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hallow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the End they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price In half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods. I just love a happy ending, don't you! |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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My wife left me... I don't understand.
After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back. |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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Old I know but still funny -
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,
"Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says. No, I don't think God would get mad - Who do you want to give a Valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard." |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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A father, son and grandson go out to the country club
for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the guy who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency, which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf. I consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play." With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over during the round. Long and straight tee shots, coupled with stunning iron and short-game play, left them breathless with more than just her superior looks. When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is 3 under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Haig & Haig Scotch in him, fix him dinner, and then show him a good time the rest of the night." The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback so it falls into the cup." The old gray-haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?" |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking
accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!" |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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Once, three men stood at a Bozeman, Montana airport, waiting for their flights. After a short while, the three struck up a conversation.
One was an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. The second man was a cowboy on his way to a livestock show, and the third was a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University, from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab student is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls to an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumble weeds around, and the old wind sock is flapping, but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few". The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few", he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin"! |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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budperm
Optics Retard show me your sheep!! Joined: January/01/2009 Location: Pennsylvania Status: Offline Points: 31710 |
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"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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Headlines from the year 2029:
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President George Y. Bush's Fundamentalist Right Wing Christian Party have banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. Results of 85-year - $75.8 billion study show: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm) Texas executes last remaining Liberal. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals and terrorists violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer! |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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budperm
Optics Retard show me your sheep!! Joined: January/01/2009 Location: Pennsylvania Status: Offline Points: 31710 |
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When willl her new teeth arrive?
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"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson |
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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Why you never question a drunk!
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon
of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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Subject: Quantas Airlines
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. (Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs) After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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billyburl2
Optics Master Extraordinaire Joined: January/08/2009 Location: Cottonwood, AZ Status: Offline Points: 4015 |
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A man calls his wife from the E.R. "Honey I had a finger cut off at work today"
"The whole finger?", she worriedly asks. "No, the one next to it."
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If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
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Glock
Optics Master Joined: November/06/2005 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1430 |
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Husband is just about to leave home for a round of golf, when suddenly there is a knock on the door. He opens the door to find two State Troopers. Sorry sir we have some bad news for you, your wives vehicle was involved in an accident, we would like you to come to the morgue and identify her body. Well I'm kinda busy says the Husband, do you think you could take a photo and post it on Facebook. If its her I'll click like and if not I'll click unlike
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SVT_Tactical
MODERATOR Chief Sackscratch Joined: December/17/2009 Location: NorthCackalacky Status: Offline Points: 31233 |
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat. "The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in [beeep]?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." |
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"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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budperm
Optics Retard show me your sheep!! Joined: January/01/2009 Location: Pennsylvania Status: Offline Points: 31710 |
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"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson |
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BeltFed
Optics Retard Joined: February/12/2008 Location: Ky Status: Offline Points: 22287 |
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True story
The other day a friend of mine told me an off color joke. It was bad, but it was FUNNY.
After the funeral of another friend's mother and at the lunchon, I decided to tell the joke to a few of my friends and the son of the departed.
Just as I started to tell the joke, I bit my lip. I decided it was God's way of telling me to STFU. So I just told everyone I was going to tell an off color joke until God told me not to, and how.
They got a big laugh out of it.
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Life's concerns should be about the 120lb pack your trying to get to the top of the mountain, and not the rock in your boot.
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