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Alan Robertson View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Alan Robertson Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/05/2012 at 16:25
How's it go... "Let he who has the ears to hear, hear"...
Good job paying attention!
"Garg'n uair dhuisgear"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bugsNbows Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March/05/2012 at 16:27
Originally posted by SVT_Tactical SVT_Tactical wrote:

She spent the first day packing her belongings into

boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second

day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at

their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put

on some soft background music, and feasted

on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle

of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into

Each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells

dipped in caviar into the hallow of all of the curtain

rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the

husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss

for the first few days.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and

airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents,

carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were

hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,

during which they had to move out for a few days, and in

the End they even paid to replace the expensive wool

carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to

visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and

decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price

In half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky

house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local

realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money

from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called

the man and asked how things were going. He told her the

saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and

said that she missed her old home terribly and would

be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in

exchange for getting the house back. Knowing

his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he

agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the

house had been worth, but only if she were to sign

the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within

the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood

smiling as they watched the moving company

pack everything to take to their new home,

including the curtain rods.



I just love a happy ending, don't you!


LOL. Just Peed my britches. Thanks!


If we're not suppose to eat animals...how come they're made of meat?
               Anomymous
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/01/2012 at 14:41
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cheaptrick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/01/2012 at 14:52
Originally posted by billyburl2 billyburl2 wrote:

A man calls his wife from the E.R. "Honey I had a finger cut off at work today"
 "The whole finger?", she worriedly asks.
"No, the one next to it."Bucky 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha........
If at first you don't secede...try..try again.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/01/2012 at 14:58
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Is there such a thing as a government law school?
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/01/2012 at 14:59
An ACLU lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jerry Stiller Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/08/2012 at 07:27
A father brought a robot it slaps if anybody lie's and the son came home 
Father : where were you yesterday?
Son: college (Robot slaps)
Son: A friend's home
Father:what you were doing?
Son: watched a movie.
Father: what movie?
Son:Action movie (Robot slaps)
Son:porn movie(cried)
Father: I have never watched a porn movie at your age (Robot slaps)
Mother: ha ha he is certainly your son.(Robot slaps)

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/08/2012 at 07:41
Ahhh a tri-fecta! Excellent
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BeltFed Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/08/2012 at 14:18
FOR SALE
Slightly used ROBOT
Life's concerns should be about the 120lb pack your trying to get to the top of the mountain, and not the rock in your boot.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/08/2012 at 15:30
Hmmmmm, Wonder if thats anything like a slightly used sheep???
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote stickbow46 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/08/2012 at 16:21
Speaking of which,Where does Virgin Wool come from ?
 
Ugly sheep.............


Edited by stickbow46 - June/14/2012 at 15:24
Pearls of Wisdom are Heard not Spoken
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/08/2012 at 16:35
All sheep are beautiful!!!....from the backside! Whistling
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/08/2012 at 16:37
    er....I meant in hindsight!  Embarrased
 
 
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Alan Robertson Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/11/2012 at 09:43
"Garg'n uair dhuisgear"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/13/2012 at 11:57
On January 9 a group of Georgia bikers were riding west on I-81 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, Brandon a squat burly slightly overweight man of 43, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, Brandon gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper. Then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you
're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"
 
After a third kiss, the onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...


Edited by budperm - June/14/2012 at 07:49
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/14/2012 at 07:39
ExcellentExcellentExcellentExcellentExcellent
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/14/2012 at 07:48
OOPs just thought of a bettter ending....
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote stickbow46 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/14/2012 at 15:29
Get Your Popcorn Ready
Pearls of Wisdom are Heard not Spoken
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/14/2012 at 15:46
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.


Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a [beeep] told you I was speeding,too
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/14/2012 at 15:48
One day, a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replied: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank-you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a thank-you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank-you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business, and Becoming More Successful".

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.


The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be" - Abraham Lincoln
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