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Things that go Bump in the night |
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Mike McDonald
Optics Journeyman Joined: September/01/2004 Status: Offline Points: 739 |
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Posted: March/13/2007 at 20:37 |
I've been fortunate enough to live in different parts of the country during my life and have always enjoyed the discovery of flora and fauna native to the area..
While living on the Oregon coastI learned that 200 people anually fall from their bicycles....................and drown.
In Montana I learned that the woods are full of things that can eat your horse, or stomp your person into a mud puddle.
When I moved to Texas the wife and I discovered a vorascious little throwback called the Armadillo. Cute, dumb as a rock, and have a strange attraction to the wife's flower garden The edict came down from She Who Must Be OBEYED that all armadillo's on the McDonald farm must be hunted down and terminated with all available resources.
So I'm liking that part already.
MIdlle of the night, the spousal unit hears a noise. She hears everything. I sleep like dead people and as such get the snot beat out of me while she's trying to wake me to perform my appointed duties as night assassin. We can't find the day guys phone number. Out of bed, pant,s slippers, flashlight, self loading hand held 22 caliber hole puncher and out the door we go on our mission to confront evil and destroy it.
Harmless litte thing, kinda waddles around like I do at night munching on things like, well, like I do at night. Despite the similarities this creature has to go.........now! I sneak up on the dastardly villian and straddle it, taking aim with my non suppressed Ruger 22 pistol. He's standing right between my legs and has no concern whatsoever. I shot the little thing right between the ears, top down.
Things I know about Armadillos, let me enumerate for you;
1. They have a brain the size of a pea. 2. When shot, and not hit in the brain, they go into a defensive manuver.
That manuver is the vertical leap, propelling 20 some odd pounds of armor wrapped flesh into vertical flight, the appogee of which is 48 inches.
I have a 30 inch inseam. Got the visual on that??
Meanwhile, inside the house, the wife has; 1. Heard the gunshot 2. Heard me moan loudly and fall to the ground. (I don't remember this part clearly. My brain had company, two little guys from down south.) 3. Looked outside after hearing all this and saw me laying on the ground clutching my midsection. 4. Dialed 911 with a shots fired/unknown intruder, husband injured on the ground.
Every cop and first responder in the county shows up. Not knowing what else to do, my charming wife makes coffee for everyone so we can all sit down and talk about it.
All armadillos on the McDonald farm are shotgunned from this point forward.
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pyro6999
Optics Retard OT TITAN Joined: December/22/2006 Location: North Dakota Status: Offline Points: 22034 |
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that was so funny tell it again!!
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They call me "Boots"
375H&H Mag: Yeah, it kills stuff "extra dead" 343 we will never forget God Bless Chris Ledoux "good ride cowboy" |
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TC209X50
Optics GrassHopper Joined: February/15/2007 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 9 |
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Now that's a good one. I haven't had a chuckle like that in awhile.
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Bigdaddy0381
MODERATOR Georgia peach Joined: February/27/2007 Location: Georgia Status: Offline Points: 13682 |
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Mike, That was an awsome campfire story......
Nothing like a good shot to the twins when half alseep and in the dark.
As for the possum in a half shell.sound like it won the first round..
Big |
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sinsir
Optics Apprentice Joined: March/02/2007 Status: Offline Points: 75 |
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all i can say is - OUCH -
sorry man, i had to laugh for awhile on that. like my old boss use to say " i bet you'll never do that again " .....lol... |
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Mike Jones
Optics GrassHopper Joined: February/02/2007 Status: Offline Points: 6 |
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that was awsome
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Stephanie
Optics GrassHopper Optics Goddess Joined: February/13/2004 Location: Native Texan Status: Offline Points: 1502 |
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Mike,
Be thankful it wasn't a porcupine! OOOOUCH!!!
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RifleDude
MODERATOR EVIL OPPRESSOR Joined: October/13/2006 Location: Texas Status: Offline Points: 16337 |
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Mike, That was a hilarious story, and you have a gift for storytelling! You use satire quite well!
RE: "She Who Must Be OBEYED" ...Confucius says "man who claims he's master of his own domain... will lie to you about other things as well!" |
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Ted
Money can't buy happiness... but it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle. |
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sinsir
Optics Apprentice Joined: March/02/2007 Status: Offline Points: 75 |
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sorry mike , i had to share that with the folks in my office.... at your expense, we all got a laugh ... thanks, but please, for sake of the one who must be obayed, please use the shot gun next time.
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ROCKMAN57
Optics Apprentice Joined: February/24/2007 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 88 |
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May be a little off the subject but I had a buddy who was a welder on my previous job and he invented a sling shot to cast out his bait while surf fishing.He bragged and bragged about his invention.Apparently while shooting his line out into the surf he would sit with legs spread in the sand.One day he didn't show up for work after the week-end and I called to see if everything was ok.Well it seems that his contraption had backfired and when casting the line,weight and hook got tangled.It came back and hit him where it hurts.Now these weights were also one of his inventions and had welding rods sticking out of them to stick to the sandy bottom.He was gone about a week and was walkin funny for a looongggggggg time.hehehehehe Rock |
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Walk softly,keep the wind in your face and watch your back
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Duce
Optics Master Joined: September/19/2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 1231 |
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Great story Mike, you must have chased them north we are seeing them in Kansas now.
Duce |
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Duce
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mwyates
Optics Master Joined: June/15/2004 Location: Texas Status: Offline Points: 1196 |
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Armadillos in Kansas! I remember when they first arrived in East Texas. That was just shortly before the fire ants got here. I don't have much use for either, but I'll take armadillos over fire ants any day.
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Duce
Optics Master Joined: September/19/2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 1231 |
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Please ! keep the fire ants and the killer bees too.
Duce |
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Duce
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tahqua
MODERATOR Have You Driven A Ford Lately? Joined: March/27/2006 Location: Michigan, USA Status: Offline Points: 9042 |
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That's as funny as the story, thanks everyone |
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Urimaginaryfrnd
MODERATOR Resident Redneck Joined: June/20/2005 Location: Iowa Status: Offline Points: 14964 |
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OUCH |
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"Always do the right thing, just because it is the right thing to do". Bobby Paul Doherty Texas Ranger |
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Duce
Optics Master Joined: September/19/2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 1231 |
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He don`t look happy with that .
Duce |
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Duce
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cyborg
Optics God Gaseous Clay Joined: August/24/2007 Location: North Georgia Status: Offline Points: 12288 |
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I don't understand why it's so funny when a man takes a shot to the pills. BUT IT IS !!!! It's been ten minutes and I'm still laughing my @#$ off sorry bout the nuts mike, I hope your voice gets back to normal soon. |
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With Freedom comes great responsibility, you cannot have one without the other
An armed public are citizens. A disarmed public are subjects. OATH KEEPER #8233 Support us, and join our cause. Cyborg |
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Rancid Coolaid
MODERATOR Joined: January/19/2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 9318 |
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Great story, great man, sad to lose another one.
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Freedom is something you take.
Respect is something you earn. Equality is something you whine about not being given. |
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BeltFed
Optics Retard Joined: February/12/2008 Location: Ky Status: Offline Points: 22284 |
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Glad you brought this up RC. I think Mr. McDonald would be pleased.
I know I'm going to search out some of his old posts.
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Life's concerns should be about the 120lb pack your trying to get to the top of the mountain, and not the rock in your boot.
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HKtoTikka
Optics Apprentice Joined: November/11/2015 Location: TX Status: Offline Points: 159 |
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I know I will only shoot at 'dillos from a longer range...
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