OpticsTalk by SWFA, Inc. Homepage SWFA     SampleList.com
Forum Home Forum Home > Everything Else > Almost Anything Goes
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Joke Thread
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

Visit the SWFA.com site to check out our current specials.

Joke Thread

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 7891011 13>
Author
Message
Chris Farris II View Drop Down
TEAM SWFA - Admin
TEAM SWFA - Admin
Avatar
MODERATOR

Joined: August/13/2007
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 3196
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Chris Farris II Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: December/21/2011 at 13:25
Originally posted by budperm budperm wrote:

Originally posted by SVT_Tactical SVT_Tactical wrote:

Glad I coudl provide some comic relief this Friday afternoon.... Working with CFII has to be rough and I'm sure you enjoy moments that make you forget about that.

 
Stop worrying and being jealous, G!!!  Your still CFII's 'number one'!  Remember She said she was married and they both shoot....  CFII's a lot of things but not suicidal isn't one of them.  No wait...I forgot  about his crazy vehicles.....never mind! Bucky
I think I sense some jealousy here! Wink
One day your life will flash before your eyes; Make sure it's worth watching.
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: December/22/2011 at 16:32
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us,also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.You'll really love my place.The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you????
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/10/2012 at 11:55
Last year after the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.

Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips and most of his staff.

After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress and most of his staff.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary and most of his staff were fired and replaced.

During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.


Question: Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?
Back to Top
budperm View Drop Down
Optics Retard
Optics Retard
Avatar
show me your sheep!!

Joined: January/01/2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Status: Offline
Points: 31710
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/10/2012 at 12:21
Sounds like it!
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/23/2012 at 15:54
A Southern Baptist preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tyrone got in line. When it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Tyrone, how is your hearing now?"

Tyrone answered, "I don't know, Man. It ain't 'til next week."
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/23/2012 at 15:55
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?"

"Yes, I do", said Bob.

"Did you, uh, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes", Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything!"
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/23/2012 at 15:56
In 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic series of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a prediction of the arrival of Spring.
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 12:03
A frenchman,an iraqi,and an american were sitting in a bar somewhere in the middle east.
The frenchman,thinking he could impress the american,that all frenchmen arent pansies.Downed his glass of wine,tossed it in the air,and drew his pistol and shot it in mid air.Then declared,in france we have so many glasses from being a big wine country.That we dont need to drink from the same glass twice.

Well the iraqi,wanting to impress them both,downed his drink.Then tossed the glass in the air and hammered it with his AK-47.Then declared,we have so much sand in iraq,that we can make all the glass we want,and never have to drink from the same glass twice.

Well the american sat there for a moment,then smiled.He pulled out his glock and shot them both.Looked at the bartender and said,in America we have enough liberals and iraqi's,that you dont have to drink with the same one twice.I'll have another beer.
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 12:04
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything makes me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was", he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 12:15
CBS News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader.
The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili."

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the a$$," said the Marine."

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the a$$," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9-mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the a$$?"

What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal a$$**** call ME the aggressor?"
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 12:17
A man walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price; the more sheer the higher the price. He opts for
the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, I have an idea. It's so sheer
that it might as well be nothing. I'll won't put it on and do the
modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for
myself. So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The
husband says, Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron
it! He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 12:18
Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 12:21
The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, "You should not be asking eighth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. She said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and asked the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and replied, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Billy," said Mrs. Parks.

Then, turning to Mary, she said: "As for you, young lady, I
have three things to say. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 12:26
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell
them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back
and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer
and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to
market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the
road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we
raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't
count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy.

little Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight
engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun
and a Machete.

So, she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until
it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke;
then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking!"
Back to Top
BeltFed View Drop Down
Optics Retard
Optics Retard
Avatar

Joined: February/12/2008
Location: Ky
Status: Offline
Points: 22284
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BeltFed Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 12:30
I see the reruns are on.
Life's concerns should be about the 120lb pack your trying to get to the top of the mountain, and not the rock in your boot.
Back to Top
budperm View Drop Down
Optics Retard
Optics Retard
Avatar
show me your sheep!!

Joined: January/01/2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Status: Offline
Points: 31710
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote budperm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 13:53

NOW THIS IS FUNNY - I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

 

                                                         

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.

The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full
investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special

Presidential commission presented the following findings:



1.The stamp is in perfect order.

 
 
                          2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
 
 

              3. People are spitting on the wrong side

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson



Back to Top
BeltFed View Drop Down
Optics Retard
Optics Retard
Avatar

Joined: February/12/2008
Location: Ky
Status: Offline
Points: 22284
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BeltFed Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 13:59
Laugh Above
Life's concerns should be about the 120lb pack your trying to get to the top of the mountain, and not the rock in your boot.
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 14:29
Excellent
Back to Top
GetSome View Drop Down
Optics Journeyman
Optics Journeyman
Avatar

Joined: December/12/2009
Location: Oregon
Status: Offline
Points: 516
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GetSome Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January/26/2012 at 22:04
Excellent
Back to Top
SVT_Tactical View Drop Down
MODERATOR
MODERATOR
Avatar
Chief Sackscratch

Joined: December/17/2009
Location: NorthCackalacky
Status: Offline
Points: 31233
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SVT_Tactical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February/02/2012 at 15:46
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city
parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks
him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see,' and
'Yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and
repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*#, what happened next?"
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 7891011 13>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 12.01
Copyright ©2001-2018 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.156 seconds.